Sabelotodo

Roald Dahl read me a copy of his latest book yesterday. It sounds pretty good, but I didn't really understand where he came up with the idea. He told me that he was inspired by his doctor to write a story about a man who could see without his eyes. I was surprised by his answer because that very same day I had plans to go see a doctor about my back.

Roald Dahl's doctor's name is Dr. Henry Sugar, M.D., which sounds more like a dentist, to me. My dentist's name is Dr. Hair, which sounds like the name of a barber. My barber's name is Juan Espalda, and espalda means back in spanish, which sounds like the name of a back doctor. I seriously considered going to see my barber about my back, but I didn't need a haircut so I figured the visit would be pointless, even if he could help me with my back. I decided to stick to my original plan and go see Dr. Borras, which sounds like the name of a doctor whom I have never met before.

As I walked to his office I wondered how my first visit to a Spanish doctor would be. I had the notion that I would be speaking Spanish, and as I was buzzed into the waiting room I began to speak Spanish to the receptionist. I threw out a simple, "How much is it?" in english just to test the waters, see if she knew any english - her head turned to the side like a confused puppy...she didn't.

I sat awkwardly in the chair, not because I felt awkward, but because sitting in chairs is the most painful thing you can do with a bad back. I slouched with my backpack still on for support.

Then the doctor came out and spoke to another patient in Spanish, turned to me, and as I started to say "hola", he said, in crystal-clear english, "You must be Chad." This guy wasn't a tourist - he's an educated doctor, of course he can speak english. This isn't Burger King, this is the office of a medical practitioner. Talk about low expectations.

I was finally called back to his office, where examined my back and told me that I have a rare case of spinal deteriation, in which my spine is slowly deteriorating, and it will continue to deteriorate until I have no spine. He said it's nothing to worry about - in about 5 years you'll be as flexible as a salamander he told me. He said that my body will naturally replace my spine with cartilage - it's very, very rare, but many people consider it lucky, and some consider a super power. He gave me a shitload of pills and told me to call him in a week, and start to think about what I want to do with my newfound power of flexibility.

*Did you believe one word I just wrote? what about salamander?*

I was finally called back to his office, where he examined my back and told me that I have a great spine, and that it was a muscle injury - nothing too serious. He did give me pills though, that part was true. He gave me some muscle relaxers and anti-inflammatories. It was a great visit to the doctor - he was quick and thorough. There was no nonsense like there are during visits to the doctor in the USA...i was happy.

The receptionist let me out and I took a left towards the the metro. I walked twelve steps and on the thirteenth I stepped in a big, healthy piece of dog poo. I couldn't have been happier! If i were in the states i would have been furiously irritated, but in Espana it's goodluck to step in dog shit. So, with the dog shit on the bottom of my left shoe I walked proudly down the street to the metro. What a great trip to the doctor.

Had a wonderful sleep with those muscle relaxers - very relaxed.

I think i'm going to take a muscle relaxer and try to catch the midnight showing of the first installment of the 7th Harry Potter movie...what are you doing?

Relaxed,

CM Stassel